The End of the End

A Brief History of Human Resources

Once upon a time, there wasn’t a thing called a “human resources department” at most companies. If a manager needed a new salesman, he’d put an ad in the newspaper (as you can tell, this story is from a long, long time ago) and he’d select one of the first few people who called. If it was an important position, he might advertise that he’d be hiring at headquarters, and if you wanted the job, you’d  show up between 2pm and 4pm. He’d go through the applications, interview a few people, and the lucky applicant would start in the morning.

One of the nice parts of this story was that, as an applicant, you could sometimes (especially if you knew someone at the company) find out why you weren’t selected. Sometimes you’d get a nice note saying, “We needed someone with more insurance experience.” Or maybe something like, “It was close between you and another guy, but he had his Master’s degree and you only have your BBA.” Or maybe even, “Next time, show up early, wear a tie, and don’t bad-mouth the company you left. I used to work for United Airlines and I know the manager you’re bad-mouthing.”

In any case, the information you received could be used to improve your interviewing skills. Or at least give you an idea why you weren’t hired.

Some of those managers, trying to be helpful and honest, would send a note like, “Sorry – this position requires strength, and I can’t have some broad doing it.” And the company, rightfully so, would get their pants sued off. The company’s lawyers would issue a helpful note to the managers, advising that they couldn’t mention the gender, religion, marital status, etc, as a reason for not choosing an applicant, otherwise they’d get beaten with sticks at the next meeting.

Eventually, a combination of these lawsuits becoming more common and a sudden popular notion that “human capital is our most important asset” resulted in the creation of a “Human Resources” department. Human Resources (later shortened to “HR” in that “Kentucky Fried Chicken is now KFC” vein) worked closely with legal, and handled how to hire people and keep from getting sued, how to fire people without getting sued, advice on how to counsel employees to keep from getting sued, well, you get the idea. They also handled things like insurance and 401(k) questions from employees, but their main raison d’etre was keeping the company from getting sued.

One of the offshoots of this cozy relationship between HR and legal was the dearth of learning how to improve your chances of being hired. If you don’t get a job these days, you either hear nothing from the company ever again, or you get a letter like, “Thank you for applying to XYZ Company. There were many applicants, and we have chosen one that more closely matched the needs of our company. We wish you all the best in your future endeavors.” (See

Another important lesson that HR delivers to its managers is the concept of how to effectively weed out people who the company would like to leave, but there’s no good reason to fire them, and the company is too cheap or lazy to lay them off or transfer them.

For example, how to handle it if someone is an excellent employee who has done a good job and received numerous accolades from both clients and upper management, but is driving 800 miles to and from work, and you’re afraid that if he falls asleep in West Virginia and drives off a mountain that his spouse will sue your pants off. (Note the “sue your pants off” part – HR people HATE to hear that…)

My manager initially tried writing me up for little things that somehow, other people weren’t getting written up for. Sometimes this would get really amusing, like when I was written up for wearing shorts with my collared shirt, and received a scathing email about how shorts, t-shirts, tennis shoes and gimme caps were NOT allowed at work EVER. The notice was duly delivered in a one-on-one meeting, at which point we returned to our posts, as the next shift was coming in wearing t-shirts, shorts, a gimme cap, and flip-flops, which had ALWAYS been allowed on weekends.

These occurrences, of course, were supposed to go into my permanent file to create a “paper trail.” However, these false alerts had to be reported to HR, who bit their collective nails and warned that proceeding in this manner would result in – well, you know – a certain lack of pants in the near future. So the “warnings” were removed from my file. But I digress.

As any HR person will tell you, the secret to getting rid of people without getting your pants sued off is creating a rule that APPLIES TO EVERYONE but only affects the person who you’re trying to get rid of. For example, if you wanted to get rid of someone who had been doing the job long enough that they were getting paid MUCH more than anyone else, you might institute a rule like, “To better serve our customers, this position requires that every agent must have at least a Bachelor’s degree.” The guy you want to eliminate doesn’t have a degree, so he’s gone. (I know, it’s not QUITE that simple, but it’s only an example. He still MIGHT sue your pants off…)

So, when I came in that night, a week before my birthday, we had a one-on-one meeting where I was informed that a DECISION HAD BEEN MADE that anyone who was not working was to be considered on-call, and would be expected to be at work within two hours of being contacted. No sweat – I have high-speed internet and three computer screens – I can be ready to go in minutes. And I have full access to everything we monitor from my home. As I said, this job is done completely remotely from North Carolina and India, so logging in remotely from Chicago isn’t an issue.

“Oh, no” she said with a smile. “You have to be HERE, in THIS OFFICE within two hours. Are you going to be able to comply with this stipulation? It applies to all employees in this role.”

So, after three years of service, two VIP accolades, and a host of good memories, I rewarded myself with an early birthday present – I put in my two weeks.

And oh, the festivities! We had going-away parties, fleeting hand-clasps from female co-workers, potlucks… wait – that’s not right. Actually, no announcement was ever made at all. And exit interviews are only made if management actually cares what you have to say. So, ultimately, I just sort of disappeared.

However, I took the time in those last two weeks to talk with some co-workers, managers, and VP’s who had been supportive and friendly, traded addresses with my peers in India who had been my only work companions for the last few weeks, and I celebrated my birthday in North Carolina surrounded by close friends.

Then, I filled the Prius up with gas and left North Carolina behind, thankful for my time there, enjoying one last drive through the West Virginia Turnpike, with a song in my heart, to permanently join my family back in beautiful Chicago, the city of my birth.